I spent my day “daydreaming” about my grandfather and the last moments I shared with him. They were depressing and haunting thoughts of him lying down in a nursing home bed or in a hospital bed sacrificing his body to fight the dialysis just to see my grandmother one more day. Every moment before these strenuous months seemed so trite and out of reach. He was the first person I ever lost who I was so certain I loved more than I can ever love myself. I had no idea what to make of the funeral and burial so I just went through the motions. I could feel myself floating, light, empty, staring into light, searching, but searching for nothing really. All this day dreaming lead me through a day I don’t remember much, until I slept and awoke to the idea I saw him one last time. He sat in the same chair he always sat, in the same basement, but everything around him was gone. The irony lies in the fact that in reality, all the pieces stay in tact, but only he was gone, yet not now. Not in this vision I was sharing with him. He didn’t say a word, but then again, he was a man with few words. He passed me a piece of paper and inside there was only a question mark. I looked up at him and I can see his eyes looking through me, wondering who I was. I knew him so well, but he forgot who I was. He took my hand and he said he wanted to know, but he only needed one word.
I found myself thinking within like I never thought before. I could feel my body warming up. The nerves rising, the anxiety building, my blooding flowing, my hands trembling, all the while my eyes locked on him because I couldn’t lose him again. One word, Cory..One fucking word…who are you? …who the fuck am I? I’m the boy who pranced around your garden every summer. I’m the boy who would lie down next to you when I came home from school to nap, a reason I avoided naps after you left. I’m the boy who played with your hair because you claimed it felt good. I’m the boy who tried on all your hats because I wanted to be you. I’m the boy who turned man in your eyes the day my father left. I’m the man who took matter into my own hands. The man who worked, went to school, and never missed dinner at home to keep you proud. I’m the man who fell in and out of love just to learn something new every time it occurred. I’m the man who practiced honesty because you instilled that in me. I’m the man who would disappoint everyone the moment my brain failed on me. I’m the man who would try to come back because I haven’t finished what you wanted for me. I’m the man shaped like clay, molded into anything this world needs me in. I’m the man trying to call up for you to find any type of sign that I’m pleasing you the way you pleased me. I’m still that boy who loves you. I’m still that man who needs you. So who am I? One word…I’m convenient. Now stay and I promise I’ll never wake up.